


Legend of Galactic Hair

by Tatsu_Maki



Category: Ginga Eiyuu Densetsu | Legend of the Galactic Heroes
Genre: Bad Puns, Gen, Parody, spoilers beyond new Die Neue These
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 10:28:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16135358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tatsu_Maki/pseuds/Tatsu_Maki
Summary: Silly story of Bangs Wenli and Reinhard von Moussel, written at least 15 (maybe 20) years ago.





	Legend of Galactic Hair

Disclaimer: Be aware that the author of this insanity LOVES the Legend of Galactic Heroes,  
and especially some of the characters who get the worst of this parody.  
(Alas, poor Kircheis!)

 

Ginga Kami Densetsu (Legend of Galactic Hair)  
Dramatis Personae:  
Reinhard von Musel(Lowengramm) as Reinhard von Moussel(Lowenbrau)  
Yang Wenli as Bangs Wenli  
Siegfried Kircheis as Siegfried T. Kirk-Heis  
Schenkopp and the Rosen-Ritter as Schinelocke and the Rosen-Clipper  
Prince Braunschweig as Prince Brownswig  
Herr Baron Flegel as Hair Baron Flegel  
Landesherr Adrien Rubinsky as Landeshair Adrien Rogainsky  
Bittenfeld/Schwarz Lanzenreiter as Bittennail/Black Locks  
Lt. Greenhill as Lt. Clairol  
The Goldenbaums as The Goldenperms  
Ale Heinessen as Ale Heineken  
Shampool, Rentenberg as Shampoo, Revlonberg  
Free Planets Alliance as Free Perms and Pilsener Alliance  
Phezzan as Frizzan  
Wolfgang Mittermeyer(Gale Wolf)/Beowulf as Mittermeyhair(Gel Wolf)/Conair  
The Hyperion as the Hypermion

 

<><><><><><><><>

Reinhard von Moussel stood before the mirror, eyeing his blond locks critically.   
"Perfect!" he decided, realizing that once again he had achieved that tousled, lionesque   
appearance so acclaimed throughout the galaxy. With hair like this, no one could hold him back   
from his long envisioned dreams of conquest: first of the Goldenperm Dynasty and their Empire,  
and then the universe.   
"Lord Reinhard?" Siegfried T. Kirk-Heis, his trusted friend, entered the inner sanctum.  
Reinhard nodded approvingly as he examined Kirk-heis' perfectly coifed red rug.  
"What is it?" he inquired.  
"Bad news," Kirk-heis replied. "We've received word that Bangs Wenli is taking his   
fleet to the planet, Shampoo."  
Moussel's eyes narrowed in anger. Damn that bastard Bangs! It was bad enough that   
Reinhard had been thwarted by him at Astate, when Bangs had saved the FPPA's (Free Perms and   
Pilsener Alliance) 2nd Fleet by dividing it like cleanly parted hair. Then he had whipped it   
around to brush at the Imperial Fleet's rear...And Amlitzer, where Bangs had snipped at   
Bittennail's Black Locks Fleet, til it had fallen apart like dried split ends... Now, he was   
going for Shampoo, the birthplace of the best hairdressers in the known galaxy. If Bangs   
achieved the same tonsorial perfection as he, how would Reinhard's dreams ever be realized?  
"Lord Reinhard?" Kirk-Heis asked aloud, while he inwardly sighed. He had correctly   
divined the trend of his friend and commander's thoughts as they flashed in the icy eyes,   
beneath blond bangs.   
"Call my admirals! We must prepare for immediate launch!" erupted Reinhard, tossing   
his hair in fury.   
"Yes sir," agreed Kirk-Heis, fading back into the corridor.   
Pounding his fist in to his palm, Moussel gritted through perfect teeth, "I'm going   
to stop you, Bangs Wenli!" 

<><><><><><><><>

Col. Walter von Schinelocke saluted. "Admiral, we are ready to send ground forces to   
Shampoo. Maybe those guys can do something about that itch..." His voice trailed off, as he   
caught sight of Lt. Frederica Clairol shaking her head, manicured finger to her lips.   
"What?" replied Bangs absently, pulling off his beret. "Oh, good job. Begin the   
operation."   
"Yes sir!" All the officers saluted and took their stations.   
Armed only with curling irons and aerosol, the Galactic College of Hair stood no chance   
against the Rosen-Clipper. Once subdued, professional pride took over, and the barbers began  
attacking offensive hairstyles. Commodore Murai barely dodged the scissors aimed at his   
gray wings of hair, and beat a hasty retreat to the Hypermion. There, he found Adm. Bangs   
sitting on his desk, idly examining a can of mousse. When questioned about it, Bangs said,

"Oh, they told me to use a little of this for control, otherwise my hair was fine."   
Given time for R&R, many members of the Bangs Fleet took advantage of the makeover   
services available, while Operation Shampoo continued. 

<><><><><><><><>

Meanwhile, Reinhard von Moussel was not the only Imperial outraged at the thought of   
Bangs controlling Shampoo. Hair Baron Flegel frothed at the mouth as his unflattering Prince   
Valiant bowl cut flew about his face in his rage. "Uncle! How are we going to stand a chance   
against that blond brat Moussel, and his well-tressed minions, without Shampoo! We can't do   
anything about our faces - that's thanks to 500 years of inbreeding - but at least we could   
have good hair! You older nobles don't look so bad in those old-fashioned queues, but what   
about the younger generation? And why do commoners have good hair?! That should be a   
privilege of nobility!"   
Prince Brownswig gravely nodded in agreement. "Before we can take on Moussel, we   
must first recover Shampoo." 

******

However, yet a fourth party was expressing interest in Shampoo. The Landeshair of   
Frizzan, Adrien Rogainsky, was musing as he contemplated the Galactic map. "If Frizzan   
controlled Shampoo, it would put both the GE (Galactic Empire) and the FPPA at a disadvantage  
AND maybe something could be done about my male pattern baldness." 

<><><><><><><><>

Moussel awoke after a troubled night to find things had gone from bad to worse.   
Appalled, he stared into his mirror. "No...not now!" It was his first bad hair day in 10 years.  
For the first time, he wished the Imperial uniform included some kind of headgear... 

<><><><><><><><>

As the door slid closed behind Kirk-Heis, he inhaled deeply and settled his hairpiece   
firmly back into place. Fortunately, there were several targets for Lord Reinhard to direct his  
ire at other than his subordinates. Kirk-Heis strode off to find Rear Adm. Mittermeyhair.   
Wolfgang Mittermeyhair ran a comb through his already perfect hair, as he listened to   
Kirk-Heis. "Very well," agreed the Gel Wolf. "As Adm. von Moussel desires, I will, with my   
fleet, attack the nobles at Revlonberg Fortress. I'll leave immediately for my flagship, the   
Conair."   
Approaching Revlonberg a few days later, the Gel Wolf brought his fleet to a full stop.  
"Now, we wait," ordered Mittermeyhair.   
"What are they doing?!" worried the noble commander as he fingered the ubiquitous   
Prince Val bob worn in his thinning gray hair. "This is uncharacteristic of the "Gel Wolf."   
"Who cares," sputtered another red-faced noble. "Let's charge out and attack for the   
glory of it!" shouted a third, pop-eyed noble.   
"Oh, all right," sighed the commander.   
"Those hair-brained fools!" laughed Mittermeyhair. "Now, the Conair will lead the fleet  
in my famous "Blow-dry" attack! Fire!"   
The nobles' ships began to explode as they were enveloped in flame. The Gel Wolf had   
put the wait to good use, filling the zone before Revlonberg with Zephyr particles. As   
Mittermeyhair watched, he chuckled. "That ought to have been enough to curl even a noble's   
hair." 

<><><><><><><><>

Back at the Moussel Admiralty, the atmosphere had lightened. Reinhard's hair was   
behaving, and the thought of the flash fried nobles cheered him even more. "Now, for Bangs!"   
he said. "We aren't going to let him keep Shampoo. We'll launch an all out assault on him there."   
At the same time, Prince Brownswig was being conditioned towards that very same idea.   
Hair Baron Flegel finally received the permission he craved, and launched.   
In the FPPA fleet at Shampoo, the adjutant came onto the flag bridge. "Adm. Bangs,   
we've detected several GE fleets incoming," Lt. Clairol reported.   
"Is the evacuation complete?" Bangs inquired.   
"Yes sir."   
"Very well, launch a complete set of decoys, and let's head back to the capital planet,  
Heineken," Bangs ordered.  
When Reinhard's fleet arrived at Shampoo, they found the empty college and the decoys.   
His fists clenched as he trembled in rage.   
"Excellency! Another GE fleet detected!" an operator called out.   
"What do I do, Kirk-Heis? I can't let this be reported to that old relic of the   
Goldenperms who now occupies the throne of GE."   
"Lord Reinhard, the nobles will have detected the FPPA decoys and concluded we're   
engaging a large fleet. We both know they're too stupid to know the difference, and that they   
will stay well out of range, hoping to witness your destruction. Therefore, let us destroy the   
decoy fleet, and then report the destruction of several thousand enemy vessels - truthfully -   
and make the nobles unwilling witnesses to your victory."   
"Kirk-Heis," Reinhard smiled, "What would I do without you? Make it so." 

<><><><><><><><>

Back at the GE capital of Odin, Frederic IV of the Goldenperm Dynasty smiled   
benevolently upon Reinhard as he bestowed upon him a Field Marshal's baton and command of half   
the Space Fleet. "Also, in recognition of your great service in destroying some of the rebel   
horde, I grant you the Countship of Lowenbrau, and with it this new command:   
Go forth and subjugate the FPPA and retrieve the secret of Heineken!"   
Reinhard bowed and left. His mind was already brewing plans to retrieve the ancient   
beer secrets taken by Ale Heineken 500 years earlier, leading to the creation of the FPPA.   
Back on Heineken, Bangs was swilling the fabled brew of the FPPA founder, as yet unaware of   
the GE juggernaut being turned in his direction. He ruffled his hair, put up his feet and went  
to sleep. 

NEXT: Ginga Biru Densetsu (Legend of Galactic Beer)


End file.
